We’re All One Big Family Here

Work is a transactional relationship

Have you ever heard your boss say, “We’re all one big family here”? If so, it might be time to rethink your expectations. In the United States, the relationship between employers and employees is not familial—it’s transactional.

 Let’s start with the facts. In the U.S., most employment is “at will,” meaning your employer can terminate or modify your role for any reason—without notice—as long as it’s not illegal. The standard workweek is 40 hours under the Fair Labor Standards Act, and only non-exempt employees (typically not mid- to high-level workers) are entitled to overtime pay. Moreover, the U.S. is unique among G8 countries for its “double jeopardy” of at-will employment combined with limited national social safety nets. Most health insurance and retirement plans are tied to employment, leaving many scrambling to self-fund coverage if they lose their job. The stakes are high: going without coverage can result in financial devastation if illness or injury strikes.

This is the reality of the employer-employee relationship. You are hired for a specific role, on a specific team, at a specific time. Unless you have a unique contract, your employer can legally change nearly any part of that arrangement. Let’s get one thing straight: work is not family.

The Risks of Treating Work as Family

I spent much of my career over-identifying with work. I worked long hours, prioritized my job over my personal life, and fell deeply into the Type A trap of perfectionism and the need for external validation. As a manager, I adopted a caregiving style. I believed it was my responsibility to support the success and emotional well-being of my employees. Having spent years focused on transformation—often a stressful and emotionally charged process—I felt compelled to create a sense of safety for my team. In truth, I was projecting. I was acting like the boss I wished I’d had—the one who always looked out for me. Like a parent would.

While my intentions were good, I eventually learned the risks of this approach. Acting as a parental figure to your employees can blur professional boundaries and create unrealistic expectations on both sides. Bosses aren’t parents, and employees aren’t children. While empathy and kindness are essential qualities, they must be balanced with professional objectivity and clear boundaries.

Without this balance, managers may inadvertently foster unhealthy dependencies, setting both themselves and their employees up for disappointment. I learned this lesson the hard way when an employee with a serious health condition responded emotionally during a performance discussion. The employee had never had a performance issue before. Their intense reaction to my feedback was also uncharacteristic of their typical easy going and open-minded style. Luckily, we were able to sit down and talk through the dynamic coming up between us. I had come to realize that I had been unconsciously acting like a mother figure, doting over the employee's health and emotional well-being. In turn, her reaction to me felt consistent to that of a frustrated child. We had both been unconsciously projecting unspoken expectations onto one another—a phenomenon psychologists call “enactment.”

Why Boundaries Matter

The workplace is not immune to interpersonal complexities or subconscious behaviors. Without clear professional boundaries, relationships can become fraught with misunderstandings, disappointment, or even resentment. Some employees might even react negatively to a caregiving approach, especially if past experiences—whether with manipulative bosses or difficult family dynamics—make such behavior feel unsafe.

 The Case for Professional Growth

The saying, “Good fences make good neighbors” comes to mind here. In professional relationships, clear boundaries create healthier, more effective workplaces. If you find yourself playing the role of parent, hero, or martyr at work, reflect on why. Ask yourself:

• Do I play this role in other areas of my life?

• Am I trying to control my environment by overprotecting others?

• Could this be about fortifying my own insecurities rather than addressing my employees’ needs?

Often, these patterns stem from deeper motivations. For example, you might act as a “workplace hero” because you wish someone had played that role for you. Personal growth—through therapy, reflection, or trusted conversations—can help uncover and address these tendencies. Cultivating self-awareness allows you to break free from these patterns and make deliberate, conscious choices as a leader. This doesn’t mean abandoning empathy; it means leading with intention, clarity, and professionalism.

If you care deeply about your team, that’s a testament to your character. But remember: your job isn’t to be your employees’ parent, therapist, or savior. Let your investment end where your job description does. Ultimately, personal growth fuels professional growth. When you operate with emotional intelligence and conscious awareness, you’re better equipped to  foster healthy relationships, and lead effectively. This is critical work that should be undertaken outside the office.

Final Thoughts

The American workplace is inherently transactional. By projecting familial roles onto work relationships, you risk introducing unnecessary complexity and even harm. Strive to be a kind, empathetic leader—but always within professional boundaries. This clarity benefits not just your employees but also your own well-being and career.

 Work isn’t family—and that’s okay.